I preamble this post by saying that I wish this was a happy, happy, joy, joy post about me making fruitful progress towards my destination. No that is not the case, today was a day of self pity, chaos, manipulation, and using, but at least I can recognize this. I can say that I ended the day with a kick ass android phone and almost scored some meaningless sex.
So in the latter part of the evening last night, I looked for ways to share my blog with the world… In the midst of surfing the web, I found myself caught up on a free dating website called plenty of fish and then posted a “casual encounters” add on CL…
Chaos erupted this AM, when I saw that my cell phone screen was damaged beyond using. This meant I could not read incoming texts and all my contacts were lost… Kind of puts a damper on my casual sex quest… So what to do? Well I manipulate my ex wife into sending me $230 via western union. I use most of it to get a state of the art Android phone, the remainder of the money I used to smoke crack… It was not much money and I scored bullshit… but isn’t it all bullshit? So the feeling wore off then I found myself heading to a 7 PM Narcotics Anonymous meeting. How do I get my life together when I swim in such chaos… But easy does it. I have about 8 hours clean now and I ate a whole lot of food with my NA sponsor at a local restaurant, so I feel a little better. It is almost 10:30 and I am actually getting tired. This is a good thing. I am back in my slum apartment, reviewing the jacked up day. Again money wasted, no where closer to my goal as I made no progress at finding a job. No bus pass in the mail, and because of my phone catastrophe I was not able to get in touch with the Kansas City Transit authority, so I am walking bound again at least through the weekend. In my quest for sex I almost convinced a Miss J to stop by and cuddle, but it did not happen, she seemed entirely co-dependent and she asked me to call and when I did not call right away, she has not responded to any texts so who is to say if that is a sexual avenue I can pursue. I do think maybe I can replace my drug craving with a little off the wall sex, if I can find it… I know it is not healthy but it sounds like fun to me. My sponsor mentioned I had not talked much about women at all since I dove off in my relapse in Early January… I just do not feel worthy at the time… The only thing I really think I can find is someone as sick as me, and that just sounds messed up right now. I am not sure that I need that, and I still think about getting back together with my ex wife. I am a little crazy right now so bear with me. Realize I just smoked crack earlier today.
Till next time.
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Off hand, you sound like a total jack off to me. When you think of the 'competition' out there.. where oh where or when oh when are you going to get back in the game. You're headed down a dead end alley.
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