Suggested to me as a program of recovery, I am to keep it simple and make sure I do five things each day.
Do not use drugs, go to a meeting, read from NA literature, talk to another addict, and pray. No specific order. This is what I am doing today. I am keeping it short today. Just one day at a time, I will reach my destination.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Progress made... First step
Well you have to start somewhere. I am not sure I was making any form of a start. This weekend I had an abscess on my head that I had to deal with. Right now I got this patch on my head and a hole in my head stuffed with gauze. It was a reminder of what I am doing to my body. I feel like it was my body saying "hey your not gonna take care of me, then I am going to revolt." So another warning comes, wow the warnings have stacked.
One thing I can say is that I take pride in my physical well being. I have compromised it for drugs, as I have compromised almost everything. I need to stop compromising. I need to stop laying around and feeling sorry for myself. Nothing will ever change if I never change. So today and even a little yesterday I worked to make some positive changes. I cleaned my kitchen. I cooked a batch of chili yesterday and for the last two days I have been eating heartily, and it has felt good. There is more, I made it to two meetings yesterday and I made it to two meetings today. In between the two meetings I worked from the NA step working guides, I communicated with other addicts and I applied for a job. Since the new year that is the second job I applied for. I am intelligent enough to know you cannot get a job if you do not even try, believe me. But I have allowed misery to enslave me and hold me down, so employment endeavors have been extremely limited. In the past two days I have also reconnected with old friends, friends from my days of social acceptance and I realize where I have taken my life on the path of self destruction. I pray God can help me have the right attitude to make the right choices going forward, for some reason I feel like God was with me yesterday and today.
I am thankful for the miracle of my life today. I am thankful that I can make right choices still and I do not have to self destruct this is a choice. I am thankful that I can take the first step. Thank You!!!!
One thing I can say is that I take pride in my physical well being. I have compromised it for drugs, as I have compromised almost everything. I need to stop compromising. I need to stop laying around and feeling sorry for myself. Nothing will ever change if I never change. So today and even a little yesterday I worked to make some positive changes. I cleaned my kitchen. I cooked a batch of chili yesterday and for the last two days I have been eating heartily, and it has felt good. There is more, I made it to two meetings yesterday and I made it to two meetings today. In between the two meetings I worked from the NA step working guides, I communicated with other addicts and I applied for a job. Since the new year that is the second job I applied for. I am intelligent enough to know you cannot get a job if you do not even try, believe me. But I have allowed misery to enslave me and hold me down, so employment endeavors have been extremely limited. In the past two days I have also reconnected with old friends, friends from my days of social acceptance and I realize where I have taken my life on the path of self destruction. I pray God can help me have the right attitude to make the right choices going forward, for some reason I feel like God was with me yesterday and today.
I am thankful for the miracle of my life today. I am thankful that I can make right choices still and I do not have to self destruct this is a choice. I am thankful that I can take the first step. Thank You!!!!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
I choose how I react, but not what I react to!!!
Well today is a miracle so far, because so far I have stayed clean. I have had a rough couple of days in my perception. This is just the way I have felt. I have allowed self pity overcome me. I have even stepped away from sharing on here, because I got an idea that no one would want to read this. I kept my self in a man made prison.
Loneliness, self-pity and fear have been imprisoning me. I have to take a stand though. I can face my loneliness, I can reach out to God and others, I am never truly alone. I can face my fears, they paralyze me only because I allow them to. I can replace my self-pity with gratitude. After all today I got my bus pass, better late than never. I stepped out my apartment building and walked to Main street and without knowing the bus schedule a bus came right on route, I can be thankful for that small thing. I do not need to dwell on the negative. I can choose to react with gratitude and move forward. As far as what life brings my way, I have little control, I can control myself with God's help.
The day is winding down and I have little energy left. I am getting over the flu. Maybe by the close of this week I will be able to report about my progression on my job search. Today I can come into the frame of mind that I have a choice of my attitude and not to sound cliche, that will affect my altitude.
Goodnight - Anonymous
Loneliness, self-pity and fear have been imprisoning me. I have to take a stand though. I can face my loneliness, I can reach out to God and others, I am never truly alone. I can face my fears, they paralyze me only because I allow them to. I can replace my self-pity with gratitude. After all today I got my bus pass, better late than never. I stepped out my apartment building and walked to Main street and without knowing the bus schedule a bus came right on route, I can be thankful for that small thing. I do not need to dwell on the negative. I can choose to react with gratitude and move forward. As far as what life brings my way, I have little control, I can control myself with God's help.
The day is winding down and I have little energy left. I am getting over the flu. Maybe by the close of this week I will be able to report about my progression on my job search. Today I can come into the frame of mind that I have a choice of my attitude and not to sound cliche, that will affect my altitude.
Goodnight - Anonymous
Friday, February 3, 2012
Questing for meangingless sex and Cell phone chaos.
I preamble this post by saying that I wish this was a happy, happy, joy, joy post about me making fruitful progress towards my destination. No that is not the case, today was a day of self pity, chaos, manipulation, and using, but at least I can recognize this. I can say that I ended the day with a kick ass android phone and almost scored some meaningless sex.
So in the latter part of the evening last night, I looked for ways to share my blog with the world… In the midst of surfing the web, I found myself caught up on a free dating website called plenty of fish and then posted a “casual encounters” add on CL…
Chaos erupted this AM, when I saw that my cell phone screen was damaged beyond using. This meant I could not read incoming texts and all my contacts were lost… Kind of puts a damper on my casual sex quest… So what to do? Well I manipulate my ex wife into sending me $230 via western union. I use most of it to get a state of the art Android phone, the remainder of the money I used to smoke crack… It was not much money and I scored bullshit… but isn’t it all bullshit? So the feeling wore off then I found myself heading to a 7 PM Narcotics Anonymous meeting. How do I get my life together when I swim in such chaos… But easy does it. I have about 8 hours clean now and I ate a whole lot of food with my NA sponsor at a local restaurant, so I feel a little better. It is almost 10:30 and I am actually getting tired. This is a good thing. I am back in my slum apartment, reviewing the jacked up day. Again money wasted, no where closer to my goal as I made no progress at finding a job. No bus pass in the mail, and because of my phone catastrophe I was not able to get in touch with the Kansas City Transit authority, so I am walking bound again at least through the weekend. In my quest for sex I almost convinced a Miss J to stop by and cuddle, but it did not happen, she seemed entirely co-dependent and she asked me to call and when I did not call right away, she has not responded to any texts so who is to say if that is a sexual avenue I can pursue. I do think maybe I can replace my drug craving with a little off the wall sex, if I can find it… I know it is not healthy but it sounds like fun to me. My sponsor mentioned I had not talked much about women at all since I dove off in my relapse in Early January… I just do not feel worthy at the time… The only thing I really think I can find is someone as sick as me, and that just sounds messed up right now. I am not sure that I need that, and I still think about getting back together with my ex wife. I am a little crazy right now so bear with me. Realize I just smoked crack earlier today.
Till next time.
So in the latter part of the evening last night, I looked for ways to share my blog with the world… In the midst of surfing the web, I found myself caught up on a free dating website called plenty of fish and then posted a “casual encounters” add on CL…
Chaos erupted this AM, when I saw that my cell phone screen was damaged beyond using. This meant I could not read incoming texts and all my contacts were lost… Kind of puts a damper on my casual sex quest… So what to do? Well I manipulate my ex wife into sending me $230 via western union. I use most of it to get a state of the art Android phone, the remainder of the money I used to smoke crack… It was not much money and I scored bullshit… but isn’t it all bullshit? So the feeling wore off then I found myself heading to a 7 PM Narcotics Anonymous meeting. How do I get my life together when I swim in such chaos… But easy does it. I have about 8 hours clean now and I ate a whole lot of food with my NA sponsor at a local restaurant, so I feel a little better. It is almost 10:30 and I am actually getting tired. This is a good thing. I am back in my slum apartment, reviewing the jacked up day. Again money wasted, no where closer to my goal as I made no progress at finding a job. No bus pass in the mail, and because of my phone catastrophe I was not able to get in touch with the Kansas City Transit authority, so I am walking bound again at least through the weekend. In my quest for sex I almost convinced a Miss J to stop by and cuddle, but it did not happen, she seemed entirely co-dependent and she asked me to call and when I did not call right away, she has not responded to any texts so who is to say if that is a sexual avenue I can pursue. I do think maybe I can replace my drug craving with a little off the wall sex, if I can find it… I know it is not healthy but it sounds like fun to me. My sponsor mentioned I had not talked much about women at all since I dove off in my relapse in Early January… I just do not feel worthy at the time… The only thing I really think I can find is someone as sick as me, and that just sounds messed up right now. I am not sure that I need that, and I still think about getting back together with my ex wife. I am a little crazy right now so bear with me. Realize I just smoked crack earlier today.
Till next time.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
In the Poor House - Ready for the Penthouse
I again find myself at Day 1 – extraordinarily aggravated. I live in a studio apartment in Midtown – Kansas City… The place is a playground for the drug addict, the life I so badly want to leave behind. But for now I have to find a way to accept this place as a home and a place where I can stay clean no matter what. God is the only one that can pull me through this. I guess I need a vision of destination. Today I am in the crack house, the poor house… A step from homelessness is where I am today. I have no income, I eat from food stamps and food banks, a friend is providing me a bus pass which I am waiting for in the mail. I have no source of income… A friend assists with my rent, this is the only reason I am not homeless right now. I have a hard time finding anything but gloom in what I look at… This is why I need a decent vision so if I am in the poor house a vision of the penthouse is likely what I need to strive for… Something different and better is what I need in my life. So I invent my destination, this will be my journey from the poor house to the penthouse. Right now I am sitting on my bed which is an air mattress I acquired; it is the only piece of furniture in my studio. Around me is trash littered, my kitchen is atrocious and cockroaches crawl everywhere. Tonight I will attend a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I know if I want anything different, drugs cannot be a part. Drugs seem to bring me to the same place. Do not get twisted on this, please do not stereotype me. I have a college degree and at one time I lived what many would perceive the American dream. I am 35 years old and it took just 3 years to take from the American dream to the American streets, the latter is not such a pleasant place. I strive so much to have a vision of a better life again, but I look through negative clouded eyes. So I pray to God for clarity, I pray for the anger to leave me, I pray for God to again help me find gratitude. This is all I feel I can do right now. Today I spent most of my day angry. I tried to get food from the Salvation Army and I was turned away till tomorrow at 11:30; I have been eating a lot – hunger is insatiable when you come off a crack smoking binge. While my hunger is not decreasing, my patience feel non existence, I bubble with Anger. Well this is day one and what can I expect. Right now I have a desire to not use and a desire to have a more comfortable life, a life where I provide for myself again.
I am frustrated because, over insane things like a $4.00 fine at the library I cannot afford, about having to walk everywhere, about not being able to scrape together even a dollar for a slice of pizza at Santora's... Or not being able to buy the step working guide from the NA meeting hall... These hardly seem like luxuries.. I am frustrated because I had to sneak in the Westport Coffee House in order to get this post online, as I do not have internet access at home. Extreme frustration invades me, but I have to look forward.. look to the Penthouse that awaits me. It will come if I focus, I know this from history... Focus forward and on God. Today I read in the Narcotics Anonymous text "we began to see that every clean day is a successful day no matter what happens" Right now I have managed to stay clean. May God stay with me, or in reality, will I stick with God...
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